Bamboozled

For all of you who have asked for tools for Xmas and are bamboozled about which tool does what .. here’s a quick guide to the tools in my garage, and what they are best used for….. enjoy.

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it  smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the  corner where nothing could get to it.WIRE WHEEL

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Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in  about the time it takes you to say, “Oh, shit!”SKILL SAW

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A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.PLIERS

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Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.BELT SANDER

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An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into  major refinishing jobs.HACKSAW

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One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the  more dismal your future becomes.VISE-GRIPS

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Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.OXYACETYLENE TORCH

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Used almost entirely for setting on fire, various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..TABLE SAW

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A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK

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Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed  your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the  bumper.BAND SAW

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A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily  fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead  of the outside edge.TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST

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A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to  disconnect.PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER

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Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip  out Phillips screw heads.FLAT BLADED SCREWDRIVER

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A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.PRY BAR

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A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.HOSE CUTTER

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A tool used to make hoses too short.HAMMER

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Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. STANLEY KNIFE

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Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your  front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records,  liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or  plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. Great at removing stubborn ends of fingers.‘F$#KING THING’ TOOL

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Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling “F$#king thing” at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

received via a friend who got it from an unknown source.